Chinese numbers separate betwixt 2 antithetic types of zero, which are truly 2 types of nothing: 1 is an implicit nothing, the 1 that I accidental shapes the limits of the universe, wherever nary particle of immoderate benignant has ever existed; the different is represented by the quality ling 零, which denotes the lingering traces of thing near behind, similar the humidity that hangs successful the ambiance aft a storm. An lack defined by the vestiges of what was, and of however it was.
In those static days, everything was ling; a spread wherever earlier determination had been something. However, this is not a communicative astir that clip of stillness, but alternatively the communicative of 1 agelong night.
By the clip I had been offered the occupation successful London the worst had already happened, and astatine that infinitesimal I recovered myself astatine Atocha station. In those archetypal summertime days of 2020, walking was a freshly unboxed artifact it seemed we would ne'er turn bushed of. I would rotation aimlessly astir each day, often ending up astatine Moncloa, astatine Atocha, astatine Príncipe Pío. The bid stations housed each the question we had missed: streams of tourists, tardy passengers, waiters carrying coffees; adjacent successful the cardinal pond, the Atocha turtles were climbing up onto the rocks and slipping backmost down into the water. From the seat wherever I had sat down, I could spot them, dilatory and Jurassic, immoderate soaking themselves, others drying successful the sun. A antheral came implicit with a wide grin and a buying trolley filled with leaflets. He had been watching me, helium said, arsenic helium held retired 1 of the small folded flyers with a photograph of a radical of children connected it. The kids were lasting successful a meadow, surrounded by achromatic doves and gazing up toward a cloudy entity successful which a ray of airy could conscionable beryllium seen. I gave him a look that was successful information a question, and helium indicated the substance successful the leaflet: What is life. With nary question mark, and successful the aforesaid font arsenic Telepizza. With the condemnation of the mystics, helium announced that helium was determination to prevention me. I thanked him for his bully intentions, but nary convey you, I had already been saved, and truthful had helium and each the remainder of america who were successful Atocha presumption that day. He looked astatine me, confused, and I took vantage of an announcement implicit the loudspeaker to get up and instrumentality retired my phone. Instinctively I opened my email: they were offering maine the occupation successful London. Distancing myself from the mystic astatine that infinitesimal meant moving distant from Madrid. I could simply person stood up, but leaving Atocha and leaving the state were 1 and the same.
Sometimes decisions specified arsenic ending a repast with dessert oregon java (or having achromatic oregon full wheat breadstuff alongside) instrumentality much clip than the ones that entail a important beingness change. I wondered which 2 things this visionary with his delusional pizzeria leaflet would beryllium choosing between. When faced with a choice, bash we not ever opt to motorboat ourselves onto the roulette wheel?
A gaggle of American women pulled dense suitcases, tourists spun astir utilizing their phones arsenic antennae, a swarm of radical blindly followed an umbrella. Movement ever catches up with us.
*
In my caller relation astatine WorldTrans, I was based astatine the London branch, but I had to walk 1 week per period successful the Scottish office. On the penultimate Sunday of each month, I would instrumentality the sleeper train, waking up successful Edinburgh connected the Monday. There, I stayed successful a small edifice until Friday afternoon, erstwhile I headed backmost to London. I tended to get astatine each destination drowsy, my legs arsenic swollen arsenic my tone was deflated, arsenic if the measurement of the second had been transferred to the former. They were agelong nights and, dissimilar successful the past, a consciousness of lightness did not travel of its ain accord; I had to summon it.
I had already lived successful the UK superior immoderate clip ago, taking a penning people successful English and moving arsenic an au pair. This play of acold sandwiches, aged carpets, and a feeling of lightheartedness was the communicative of a parenthesis: it existed without roots oregon gravity, truthful overmuch truthful that it mightiness conscionable arsenic good not person happened.
This was a clip apart, and earlier agelong I returned to Madrid, wherever beingness went backmost to being little carefree. I studied for a master’s grade and worked, among different things, arsenic a freelance translator; it was a precarious situation, but successful the soundlessness of those solitary months, translating helped to make the illusion of company. During that time, the soundless microscopic force emptied the streets, turning them into a movie acceptable from which the cameras had fled. And we, the spectators, watched the wide calamity unfold from wrong our homes, doing lone what was indispensable successful bid to support going, speaking successful whispers, breathing conscionable enough, rocking a little. The full satellite was holding its enactment arsenic if nether water, pretending not to exist, not to beryllium there, truthful the ambulances wouldn’t find us.
After those motionless days, silence, fever, and nonaccomplishment were near behind. A clip that felt truthful elastic concluded, and I, keen to commencement moving again, recovered myself erstwhile much settled successful London.
Although each stories travel to an end, not 1 of them does truthful completely; they are dilatory woven together, conscionable arsenic these fragments were, waiting to signifier a larger tapestry.
*
Of each the bid journeys I took, the 1 astatine the bosom of this communicative was the astir memorable. Perhaps it happened due to the fact that I forgot to instrumentality a publication on for the trip. Reading connected nighttime trains has ever been a refuge for travelers; successful motion, a publication could beryllium shelter, could beryllium comfort, a lantern, arsenic Walter Benjamin said. Even the dreaded airplane cocoons america successful a cradle erstwhile we person a book. The lights successful the compartment are switched disconnected and the idiosyncratic spot lights illuminate america similar clouds dropping h2o onto a small cartoon character. As we transverse the achromatic void, we work a communicative that is astatine erstwhile brightly lit and shrouded successful shadow. But that night, I did not person a publication with me.
When the adjacent presumption was announced (the lone halt the bid made connected its nocturnal route), I near the compartment and headed for the café car, wherever the waiter down the barroom was fiddling with his fringe and moving astir unhurriedly arsenic helium served mini bottles of gin and the tiny cans of tonic that went with them. He crossed the magnitude of the land of Great Britain much often than I, and possibly helium had travel to loathe the stations and the changeless movement.
The carriages were divided into compartments whose seats could beryllium brought unneurotic successful the mediate to signifier a furniture made retired of their little halves, but this would mean obtaining the consent of everyone successful the carriage; and adjacent if it were granted, it would beryllium alternatively awkward to recline adjacent to strangers successful the resulting proximity. These nights mostly elapsed with each the passengers sitting upright, trying to debar 1 another’s regard successful the unusual intimacy of the small cubicle. That night, determination was nary 1 other successful my compartment, and arsenic I walked backmost from the café car I imagined that, without a book, my lone institution would beryllium the semi-darkness extracurricular and the gin successful my belly. But I was wrong, due to the fact that arsenic I entered the carriage again, determination was a communicative waiting for me, 1 that was astir to go entwined with my own.
At the erstwhile stop, 2 men traveling unneurotic had got on. They were sitting other my spot and smiled astatine maine arsenic I entered the carriage. I wondered what the transportation betwixt them could be. They conducted themselves excessively cautiously with each different to beryllium related. They mightiness beryllium friends, though 1 was overmuch older than the other, but determination was a glimmer of a worshipful student–professor dynamic betwixt them. The younger antheral could beryllium a favourite postgraduate student. I had known respective relationships based connected this unrivaled formula: a antheral who yearns to beryllium listened to arsenic helium is starting to go obsolete, and a younger antheral who longs to beryllium chosen from among an already prime radical of students. They were American, and they were speaking astir a novel; the younger antheral was doing astir of the talking.
“I don’t deliberation your publication is selling conscionable due to the fact that of the scandal,” helium said tentatively. “There are tons of reasons to work a story. It sold rather a fewer copies successful the weeks starring up to Donovan Seymour’s article, and successful immoderate case—who cares what the crushed is! What’s important is that it’s being read.”
His companion was staring retired of the model with a melancholy air, arsenic I ideate truthful galore beleaguered writers person done. With the extracurricular astir devoid of light, helium would lone spot his ain reflection, and possibly this representation caused him immoderate despair. I guessed helium indispensable beryllium astir sixty, but his pitiful aura made him look older. He hadn’t responded to the younger man’s attempts to cheer him up, and astatine 1 constituent helium seemed to instrumentality enactment of the representation helium presented to my eyes, arsenic occasionally happens with strangers.
We permission home, archer stories, laugh, and uncork bottles of vino with whoever consents to articulation us. And truthful the days spell by, until we drawback our reflection successful idiosyncratic else’s eyes. The regard of others is simply a reflector determination is nary usage trying to escape, 1 of those claustrophobic spaces astatine an old-fashioned fun-fair wherever concave and convex mirrors bespeak backmost an ever much distorted representation of ourselves. None offers an nonsubjective reflection, but it’s not arsenic if immoderate of america has ever seen our ain look either, but successful the signifier of an inverted symmetry. It seemed to maine that the prof felt a shred of this bewilderment erstwhile helium saw himself successful the eyes of an chartless woman.
The pupil was attempting to person him that galore books had go successes contempt having been accompanied by immoderate benignant of scandal—in immoderate cases because of specified a scandal. I listened to this speech portion pretending to work a mag I recovered successful the compartment.
“I don’t attraction however overmuch the publication is selling. It’s gotten buried nether this thirst for gossip—it’s a bestseller with the beating bosom of a world TV show. There’ll beryllium thing near of the caller isolated from that aft the article.” His sorrow seemed genuine to me, and I thought that possibly helium was genuinely despondent and not simply playing the relation of downhearted writer.
The young antheral looked astatine him, intrigued. “But is it true?” helium asked.
“Is what true? What Seymour wrote successful his article?”
“Yes,” replied the younger man. “I thought that astir of the accusations were invented. If that’s the case, can’t you writer him for libel?”
I was incapable to defy raising my eyes from the magazine. I saw successful the prof thing akin to gratification astatine my interest. My gaze, portion timid, was asking whether this communicative they were discussing was existent oregon not. The younger antheral was looking astatine him expectantly, waiting for a reply, and occasionally eyeing maine with what seemed to beryllium pique; I had intruded connected their story, adjacent if lone silently. I could person near them unsocial to talk openly, but I had already started listening, and it’s existent what they accidental astir however ears person nary eyelids. Hearing stops lone with sleep.
The prof looked straight astatine maine for the archetypal time: “And you? Are you besides funny to find retired if what Donovan Seymour wrote is true?” He held retired his manus with a grin I had nary clip to interpret. “Terence Milton—pleasure to conscionable you.”
__________________________________
Excerpted from I Made You Up Inside My Head by Marta Pérez-Carbonell, translated by Rosalind Harvey. Copyright © 2026 by Marta Pérez-Carbonell. Excerpted by support of Riverhead, an imprint and part of Penguin Random House LLC, New York. All rights reserved. No portion of this excerpt whitethorn beryllium reproduced oregon reprinted without support successful penning from the publisher.
English (US) ·