The sunlight streaming done the accomplishment hallway windows was a soiled golden the day our formation from Paris landed. The airport’s walkways, draped successful banal images of healthy, smiling families, submerged arriving passengers successful advertisements recalling the sentimental beige hue from, say, The Bridges of Madison County (a movie I loved, contempt its singular Americanness), oregon immoderate fig of American films from the 1970s.
I had dreaded passing done this airdrome for months beforehand. Hassan, 1 of the postgraduate students, was questioned for implicit 2 hours for nary crushed different than radical profiling. He was a French national with a Tunisian surname. He was near to hold successful 1 of the “Arab rooms,” the legendary places of interrogation known to Arabs who question here. Two borderline constabulary had entered separately to inquire Hassan the aforesaid questions successful turn, mostly the names of his begetter and grandfather, who were French citizens calved successful Tunisia. It was arsenic if his interrogators were truthful amazed by an Arab beingness here, they needed to inquire the aforesaid questions 5 oregon six times.
I was relieved to person arrived without a glitch aft weeks of interest astir buying the close benignant of question cancellation security due to the fact that of a startling fig of reports astir a caller flu from China that could alteration oregon extremity our itinerary.
Khaled stood successful beforehand of a currency speech kiosk with Chloë, his co-organizer for the delegation. Chloë was preoccupied with logistics; she and Khaled would beryllium narrating our routes and destinations. She waited until everyone had gathered connected the different broadside of the passport power kiosks and explained the program to permission the airdrome for our hotel. We walked successful a radical toward the parking store and the bus. As we slid our suitcases into the clasp successful turn, Chloë introduced america to each different and to our driver, Nihad, a feline successful his twenties who she said was Palestine’s title chess player. At slightest fractional of the twenty-one delegates were from Quebec, 3 were from Cameroon, and the remainder lived successful oregon astir Paris. One lived successful Marseille. All of america stood unneurotic waiting for everyone to signifier themselves. A friend successful Montreal had mentioned the delegation to maine due to the fact that she was moving with an affiliated institute for West Asian scholarship. The travel was designed for scholars, not tourists. It had nary peculiar survey agenda, though, which appealed to me. I jumped connected committee due to the fact that I knew I’d ne'er question astir Palestine alone. It was a mode to larn astir “the situation,” arsenic Palestinians telephone it; to talk to Palestinians astatine home; to spot a spot of regular life, the towns and cities, the hills and valleys, the checkpoints and suspicion.
The archetypal happening Khaled said to maine was “Welcome home.” I noticed the antithetic colour of his eyes, acheronian amber done a hazel screen. He looked younger than me—I had conscionable turned fifty-one.
I was flooded with self-consciousness, though I was jet-lagged, hyper-aware of my contiguous surroundings, of Palestine, of Khaled’s mesmeric beauty. As if I had fallen done a spread successful the cloth separating my Montreal satellite from my contiguous circumstances and could sorb lone the present, everything astir maine was made much aggravated arsenic helium started to inquire maine each kinds of questions. Chloë had already told him my begetter was calved successful Palestine and near for the US arsenic a young man. I said thing astir my father’s neighbourhood successful Quds, wondering if helium lived determination himself, though I didn’t ask. The thought of it, the possibility, had a surreal quality. I don’t retrieve his questions, lone that determination were respective and I was unused to being the entity of anyone’s involvement successful this way—curiosity astir my father, erstwhile helium near the country, and wherever helium had lived. I mentioned my sitto and jiddo, who were forced to permission the metropolis fourteen years aft their son, to unrecorded with my parents successful Winnipeg aft 1967. Well, they weren’t forced exactly, but they were adjacent to seventy by then, and they had endured Israeli subject concern since 1948 and, decades earlier that, British disagreement and rule.
This speech was my archetypal brushwood present with a Palestinian. His amber eyes were fixated connected mine. Their antithetic strength intimidated me. I met them, but I grew tense arsenic we spoke—aware of my code and the mode I sounded, the mode an echo mightiness astonishment you were it to seizure your tone. As we spoke successful the parking store that afternoon, I mislaid myself successful a hyper-awareness of Khaled’s carnal nearness to me. I found myself smiling excessively much. In caller societal situations, I usually moved betwixt attraction and indifference, beingness and absence. The attraction helium paid maine and my past didn’t minimize the curiosity astir him kindling astatine the backmost of my mind, though I would usually beryllium repelled erstwhile faced with that benignant of scrutiny. The information is, I felt excessively shy to inquire him anything. I thought of different shy radical I knew, and it seemed to maine that their shyness magnified their presence; an facet of their behaviour, ever unspoken, was a mode of drafting attraction to themselves alternatively of enabling their disappearance. Hiding to beryllium found, arsenic if they knew that performing the shame they felt would gully much attention. How galore filmmakers make this psychodynamic with the camera? There’s an effort oregon a monograph successful the question that I privation to constitute 1 day. In the infinitesimal I was excessively perplexed by receiving this focused attraction from a beauteous alien to formulate immoderate questions for him successful turn. I was fixed, frozen. I wasn’t conscious of my attraction until later. In retrospect, I don’t cognize if I felt attraction oregon curiosity that day. Is determination a connection for this in-betweenness? Frisson?
Our conversations were a mystery, helium would archer maine later. Now, his eyes met excavation and searched my look arsenic I spoke. I didn’t acquisition it arsenic invasive, simply intense. There was kindness successful his voice, his inquisitiveness an authentic curiosity. When I americium the entity of someone’s curiosity, I consciousness they privation thing from me, arsenic if I americium astir to beryllium robbed, but helium ne'er gave that impression. I was reminded of a enactment successful Hiroshima, Mon Amour: “Do you caput talking with maine a little? It is precise precocious to beryllium lonely.”
After 5 minutes, I interrupted the travel and told him I was going to find a spot onboard the bus. I regretted it immediately, arsenic if I had chopped abbreviated thing irreplaceable, and the regret persists to this day, strangely aggravated for the benignant of determination anyone mightiness marque successful a parking garage, anticipating leaving. I sat connected the autobus and watched him from the window. I understood aboriginal that my ringing regret was tied to subconsciously apprehending his curiosity astir me, oregon attraction, though I didn’t cognize which it was astatine that time. I ruminated connected whether helium would comprehend my determination to halt the speech and ascent aboard arsenic cold, adjacent rude. Maybe helium would construe it, if astatine all, arsenic pitchy lag.
When everyone was on-board, Khaled faced us, holding a gaffe of bluish insubstantial that was the introduction visa issued astatine the customs kiosks. He warned america not to suffer this small portion of insubstantial the size of a tiny Post-it enactment nether immoderate circumstances, to enactment it determination safe, to beryllium capable to retrieve it astatine immoderate time, erstwhile asked astatine checkpoints oregon anyplace else. He displayed much self-confidence speaking to the radical than either of america had mustered during our conversation, and arsenic helium finished, helium looked astatine maine and smiled earlier turning to instrumentality his seat.
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From Leila and Kahled by Nyla Matuk. Used with support of the publisher, House of Anansi. Copyright © 2026 by Nyla Matuk.
English (US) ·