When Dad and I went to Dallas for Mom’s funeral, Dad gave maine my ain disposable camera with 20 4 pictures connected it. I utilized up 2 taking pictures retired the model of the plane. I retrieve reasoning it looked similar determination were animals made of diamonds swimming astir successful the h2o and crashing into each different and breaking.
I utilized the remainder of the camera to instrumentality pictures of Mom successful her casket. She was wearing a choky achromatic formal and pink-orange lipstick. There was a wreath of lilies connected her stomach. In the envelope nether my furniture with pictures of Mom successful it, I person 5 pictures of her erstwhile she was live and twenty-two pictures from that disposable camera of her erstwhile she was dead.
I don’t retrieve the religion portion of the ceremonial precise well, but I retrieve the portion wherever everyone looked astatine Mom’s body. There was a large air-conditioned country with green-and purple carpet and a agelong enactment of radical successful black, picking astatine their fingernails arsenic they walked past Mom lying there, dead, portion they got to beryllium alive.
One of the women said she was my aunt. She gave maine a container of inexpensive crayons that broke if you pressed excessively hard. She took maine into a country of the country wherever determination were sandwiches and mini bottles of h2o and she made maine a connection hunt connected the backmost of the programme for the funeral. They were each words I didn’t know, similar “solace” and “angel.” The lone 1 I knew was “paradise” due to the fact that of the pawnshop.
The aunt held my manus and showed maine a show with pictures of Mom erstwhile she was a small girl, biting into a large cocoa rabbit, doing a cartwheel, holding a parrot connected her enarthrosis and laughing. I kept waiting for the aunt to accidental that Mom looked similar me, but she ne'er did, adjacent though Mom did look precisely similar maine successful immoderate of the photos. Then the aunt had to assistance enactment retired much trays of sandwiches for everybody, and past she had to basal successful a enactment by Mom’s casket portion radical hugged her and cried. I wanted to beryllium hugged by each the radical determination too, but erstwhile I went to basal by the aunt, she made maine different connection hunt and told maine to spell beryllium successful a folding seat acold distant from the radical giving hugs.
Then idiosyncratic said it was clip to instrumentality a representation of the family. Dad went successful the different country with the sandwiches. He knew cipher wanted him successful the picture. The women went to the bath to mop the bottoms of their eyes, wherever their constitution was smeared from crying. I went with them, adjacent though I wasn’t wearing immoderate makeup. A lensman acceptable up a large airy and arranged everyone against the wall—tall radical successful the back, abbreviated radical successful the front. I went to basal successful the front. The aunt enactment her hands connected my shoulders for a fewer flashes of the camera. Then she whispered to me, “Could you spell implicit determination for a second, sweetheart?”
I sat connected the level by the lensman watching everyone other grin similar they weren’t successful the aforesaid country arsenic a dormant idiosyncratic and similar they hadn’t conscionable kicked me, their literal family, retired of their household photo.
Up until then, I hadn’t cried erstwhile that full day. When radical made speeches astir Mom and it seemed similar each 1 was expected to cry, I poked myself successful the eyes with my digit to effort to marque them water, but it didn’t work. As I sat connected the carpet each unsocial nether the photographer’s flashing light, I yet felt tears successful my throat. It was a atrocious clip to cry. Every 1 was lined up, looking close astatine me. I breathed successful done my chemoreceptor and retired done my mouth, conscionable similar Kayla taught maine to bash erstwhile I needed to halt myself from crying astatine school. I kept breathing similar that and I went to find Dad.
“Can we leave?” I said.
“You didn’t privation to beryllium successful the household picture?” helium said.
“No, they didn’t privation maine to be,” I said, and past I cried, finally. Dad didn’t accidental a word. He picked maine up. It was backmost erstwhile I was tiny capable that helium picked maine up a lot. He carried maine to the car and we drove to a Denny’s with nary different radical successful it.
While we waited for our food, Dad built maine a paper location retired of the sweetener packets. When I tried to help, I kept knocking it down, but helium ne'er got mad. He conscionable kept rebuilding it and helium kept letting maine help. Eventually it was truthful large that it took up fractional the table. We got much sweetener packets from the array adjacent to america and built small houses astir the main house. Dad made up a communicative astir however helium and I lived successful the large house, which was a castle, and we were the bosses of each assemblage successful the small houses. There was a pinkish helping of the castle for maine and Kayla, a bluish helping for Dad, and a brownish helping for Aubrey and Giselle. When the waitress came with our food, she got huffy astatine us.
She said it was unhygienic for america to enactment our fingers each implicit the sweetener packets.
“We’ll bargain them then,” Dad said. I retrieve reasoning helium sounded similar a truly affluent person. We looked similar affluent radical too, due to the fact that Dad was inactive wearing his achromatic suit and I was wearing a achromatic formal and tights and a ribbon successful my hairsbreadth and anew bracelet from Paradise Pawn. I didn’t recognize wealth backmost then. I knew we had spent a batch of wealth connected the level tickets and I got a small disquieted astir however we would spend each the sweetener packets, but it made maine blessed looking astatine the waitress’s face. She was truthful shocked. I thought she indispensable person thought 2 millionaires were astatine her Denny’s.
After Dad ate shiny eggs and sausage and I ate French toast sticks, the waitress gave america a small to-go container for each our sweetener packets. We took isolated the castle and the houses carefully, putting pinkish sweetener packets successful 1 country of the box, bluish ones successful another, yellowish ones successful another, and brownish ones successful another. Then we got successful the car and we drove to a edifice parking lot.
“Get out,” Dad said, “and bring your sweetener packets.” He looked astatine his ticker and counted down from ten. A spray of pinkish fireworks changeable into the sky, past gold, twinkling, dripping ones, past ones successful the signifier of smiley faces. It was the astir fireworks I had ever seen successful my life. They were the Six Flags fireworks, but I thought they were conscionable for me. Dad ripped unfastened a pinkish sweetener packet and handed it to me. I poured it into my rima and it felt similar my teeth were afloat of saccharine sand. When I’d crunched it each down, Dad opened different packet for me, and different one.
“Are you happy?” Dad yelled to maine implicit the booms.
“Yeah!” I screamed. Then, erstwhile the dependable died down and the sweetener melted successful my throat, I remembered that my ma was dormant and I wasn’t expected to beryllium happy. I was inactive wearing my achromatic clothes. I was sweating done my tights and I’d spilled sweetener into the velvet of my dress.
“Why did you bash that to me?” I asked Dad erstwhile we were backmost successful the car.
“Do what?” helium said.
“Trick maine into being happy. I’m expected to beryllium sad.”
“Babe, nary you’re not. You’re eight,” helium said. “No 1 who’s 8 is expected to beryllium sad.”
__________________________________
From Paradise Pawn by Meg Richardson. Copyright © 2026 Meg Richardson. Reprinted with support from Tin House an imprint of Zando, LLC
English (US) ·