It started with a toaster and ended with a Maytag washerdryer combo and 4 caller steel-belted radials. In between, the UPS, FedEx, Lowe’s deliverer, oregon message bearer acceptable down connected my beforehand structure a Cuisinart blender, a fifty-pound container of canine kibble, an ottoman, a six-pack of Yankee vertebrate feeders, 1 vintage ukulele from a spot called Imperiala each the mode retired successful Santa Ana, California, positive capable Venetian blinds to darken 1 of those French cathedrals. There might’ve been different things. On days I recovered thing misdelivered, I blamed structure pirates from 1 of the caller modular-home-filled subdivisions up and down what was once, 20 years earlier, a state road. Everything delivered had the close address—my address—but a sanction I didn’t know: Edmund Conyers. I’m talking the washer/dryer, ottoman, ukulele, blinds, etcetera, they each showed EDMUND CONYERS, and past the nonstop spot wherever I lived connected Carolina Ponyfoot Road, Cannonburg, SC.
I kept each these unordered gifts and adjacent utilized the toaster and ukulele until I happened to ticker 1 of those cablegram bid shows astir crooks that progressive harboring stolen goods. Harboring mightiness not beryllium the close term. On the show, the dude kept taking connected people’s swiped sailboats. Receiving stolen goods, I guess. I didn’t privation to beryllium charged with receiving stolen goods—but if I did, I planned up of clip to bring successful the UPS, FedEx, Lowe’s person, and message bearer arsenic accessories. Oh, I had it planned out. Anyway, I got paranoid astir bringing things I ne'er ordered into my den, opening the boxes, past staring astatine them, these things Edmund Conyers needed, evidently. I imagined a antheral with his feet up, strumming his four-string, looking retired astatine the birds done a clump of slats, petting his dog, reasoning astir making 1 of those steadfast greenish slushies, lulled by the rumble of a dryer portion awaiting the clip erstwhile helium could thrust disconnected connected Michelins. That’s me. I thought of those types of things.
I’ve ne'er claimed to beryllium a genius, but it occurred to maine that possibly 1 Edmund Conyers utilized to unrecorded present astatine 111 Carolina Ponyfoot Road, possibly 30 oregon sixty years ago. I’d bought the house, backmost erstwhile I was married, from, I don’t know, idiosyncratic named Lagrone oregon Lagroon. I forget. We bought the place, I worked my job, my woman worked her job, she fell successful emotion with her brag astatine the instrumentality steadfast and near me, and truthful on.
“This is starting to instrumentality up excessively overmuch room,” I said to myself. I thought astir moving, oregon astatine slightest calling a licensed contractor to adhd a bully twenty-by-twenty country astatine the extremity of the house. I’d similar to accidental that I stood retired front, awaiting the UPS woman, successful bid to say, “Hey, this isn’t mine.” But I did the opposite. One clip I stood extracurricular staring astatine a dying citronella works erstwhile 1 of those radical showed up, and I ran backmost wrong and stood astatine a spot successful the room wherever nary 1 could spot maine if they peered in. Ten minutes later, I walked retired connected the beforehand structure to find a container of vitamins, supplements, and such—A, Bs, C, D, folic acid, beverage thistle, each the rest. A fewer of those bottles, I learned aft doing immoderate research, acrophobic representation problems. And that’s erstwhile it deed me: idiosyncratic utilized to unrecorded successful this house, they’ve forgotten, and they support ordering crap and sending it to their aged address. Somebody named Edmund Conyers has forgotten wherever helium lives now. Oh, however sad, I thought. I thought, I request to tally down the Conyers household and instrumentality what was theirs.
Listen, I’m not a detective. My past occupation happened to beryllium arsenic a door-to-door salesman selling invited mats. You cognize however I did it? I enactment down a mat that work welcome, stood connected it, past rang the doorbell. This was backmost erstwhile I had each my teeth. I smiled bigger than possible. Whoever answered the door, antheral oregon woman, ever looked puzzled until I took my close forefinger and pointed downward. “Don’t you deliberation you request thing similar this?” I mightiness say.
“Don’t you privation radical showing up and feeling similar they belong?”
Things started falling isolated erstwhile radical ordered their invited mats online. I knew it due to the fact that of the misspellings. There were excessively galore radical who kept mats that work things similar the sinclair’s oregon the funderburk’s. Is determination nary 1 astatine the invited mat store who contacts buyers and says, “Do you privation maine to adhd location oregon beforehand structure astatine the extremity of this?” Though adjacent then, it would lone beryllium the domain of lone 1 singular Funderburk. Like I said, I’m nary genius, but I cognize the rules of the apostrophe. Sometimes, driving astir aimlessly, I saw specified spellings connected mailboxes and knew to support going.
It’s not conscionable mats that work welcome. I had a trunkful, each antithetic shades, 1 of which work GO AWAY, ha ha ha. If I’d’ve had that peculiar mat connected my beforehand porch, possibly I’d’ve not gotten each the unsolicited packages that Edmund Conyers deserved. For the spiritual folk, I urged them to bargain 1 that read, successful tiny font, IF NO ONE ANSWERS, WE HAVE ANSWERED THE CALL OF THE SECOND COMING. It might’ve been my champion seller.
For the record, I’m lone missing 1 backmost molar, but it caused each my different teeth to abstraction retired similar a worthless picket fence. People won’t bargain invited mats, evidently, from a feline with specified spacing.
*
I walked implicit to my neighbor’s house, possibly 2 100 yards away. Two 100 steps, I know, due to the fact that I counted. We usually didn’t talk. Sometimes I got his mail, sometimes helium got mine. He flew flags connected a rod successful his yard, ones I didn’t fabric to. But that wasn’t the worst occupation with him. His name’s Pinson Plemmons. Two past names, which usually means trouble, similar backmost Peyton Manning, oregon Confederate wide Braxton Briggs. Dylan Thomas. There are others, a full batch of others, usually enrolled successful high-priced backstage schools.
Pinson studied geography successful college, adjacent aft we had 50 states. Who studies that? I mean, what benignant of occupation tin 1 get with a geography major? All the maps person already been printed out, and Texaco stations don’t adjacent connection up those large foldout kinds anymore. I’d recognize if possibly a caller continent got discovered and they needed idiosyncratic to spell implicit determination and constituent retired the rivers, streams, creeks, and mountains. Or if this caller continent had radical surviving determination who’d already platted retired Elm and Main Streets. But what else? Anyway, too the feline flying a Confederate flag, his geography inheritance perfectly ruined him erstwhile it came to telling jokes.
Here’s however Pinson told a joke: “These 3 guys locomotion into a bar. One is from the Piedmont portion of South Carolina, close astir wherever we live, elevation 984 feet, the somesthesia usually betwixt 34 and 89 degrees Fahrenheit. Fairforest Creek runs done the mediate of downtown. The 2nd feline is from Muskegon, Michigan. There, it’s lone 617 feet supra oversea level, and the mean debased successful January is thing similar 21 degrees. They got Lake Michigan, but besides Mona Lake to the south. The 3rd antheral who walks into the bar…”
I’m saying, Pinson ruined jokes with each these unnecessary asides. Who cares? What the fuck did these 3 guys bash successful the bar? Every 1 of his jokes starts thusly. I discontinue visiting Pinson erstwhile I was inactive married.
“Hey, Pinson, it’s me. It’s Ebert,” I said done his unfastened window. Most radical who alert Confederate flags successful their beforehand yards are a small excessively paranoid to permission den windows unfastened wide, but not Pinson. I deliberation helium wanted idiosyncratic to amusement up and outcry astatine him astir the Civil War. He wanted to connection up the nuances of the MasonDixon Line, possibly immoderate amusive facts astir Richmond, Virginia.
“I ain’t got immoderate of your mail, man,” helium said from the couch. I could spot him sitting there. He watched The Price Is Right. Pinson benignant of looked similar that deed antheral oregon fixer connected that amusement astir crystal meth successful New Mexico. I liked that show. My ex-wife didn’t. That’s different small occupation we had.
I said, “No, I’m not present for that.” I said, done the screen, “Do you cognize thing astir the feline I bought my location from? You knew him, right?” I said, “Wait, I mean, who did that feline named Lagroon oregon Lagrone bargain the location from, backmost successful the day?”
“Edmund Conyers,” helium said. “People called him Ed. I called him Edmund Conman. He was a contractor, and helium built your location each by himself.”
I caught a whiff of the backyard. Pinson ran a highly palmy port-o-potty rental institution for thoroughfare festivals, outdoor concerts, immoderate benignant of steeplechase up astir the authorities enactment successful North Carolina. Construction sites. When those port-o-potties weren’t retired being used, helium kept them—he had much than a hundred—parked connected his backmost acreage, successful rows. Again, this is retired successful the country, with nary zoning laws. Some radical telephone them port-a-lets. Some radical telephone them port-o-loos oregon port-a-johns. I don’t privation to get each Karl Childers connected this, but I telephone them port-o-potties. Pinson Plemmons’s port-o-potties.
My ex-wife didn’t similar the movie Sling Blade, either. Another ace successful the matrimony commitment.
Pinson got up disconnected the sofa and came to the beforehand door. He opened it somewhat but showed nary volition of letting maine successful his house. In the inheritance I heard his woman outcry out, “Your pudding’s going to beryllium acceptable astir noon.”
It’s a condemnation I’d ne'er heard anyone accidental successful the past. I said to Pinson, “I support getting things delivered to me.” I told him everything. I’m beauteous definite I got it successful order, from toaster to Michelin tires. If it were a joke, and I wanted him to understand, I might’ve said, “FedEx, which is situated successful Memphis—on the Mississippi River, which is the longest stream successful the United States,” and gone connected from there, including mean temperatures, population, and different wide facts. I said, “I ne'er adjacent met the antheral I bought the location from, overmuch little Mr. Conyers. Was helium old? I mean, is helium aged now? I’m reasoning helium mightiness person immoderate benignant of dementia, and he’s forgotten his address. I’ve heard astir that benignant of happening happening to people.”
The aerial smelled similar Pine-Sol mixed with chickenhearted farm. Pinson turned his caput backmost toward his woman and yelled out, “I’ll person my pudding aft the Final Showcase. If they got a Kia hatchback oregon a six-night travel to Nashville, I got the reply this time.”
He looked astatine the TV, past backmost to me. He said, “I hide wherever they moved. You don’t look that old. Have you heard astir a small happening called the internet? Look them up. Type successful Edmund Conyers’s name. There’s a happening called the Google. Type it successful there. If you don’t person a computer, a Dell machine goes for $599, according to this show.”
A commercialized came connected for that mechanical seat radical beryllium connected erstwhile they can’t ascent a acceptable of stairs. Pinson pulled about, oh, 4 100 hairs coming retired of his near nostril, past threw them connected the floor. He said, “Hey, I ain’t seen you successful a while. Did I archer you astir the 3 guys driving done westbound Texas, erstwhile they seen a sheep stuck halfway into a barbed ligament fence?”
I said, “Yeah, you told me, possibly 10 years ago.”
“So 1 of them is from Birmingham, 1 from Jackson, and 1 from Tennessee.”
I said, “Yeah, yeah, I remember. You told maine this gag before. I got a machine and internet, and I cognize however to look radical up connected Google.” I tried to borderline disconnected the porch.
“Guy from Alabama—which has a immense aged robust background—says, ‘I privation that was Sophia Loren stuck successful that fence.’ He said, ‘Alabama has a bay successful Mobile, but determination are immoderate tail-end Appalachian mountains determination that scope astir twenty-four 100 feet,
I swear. But I don’t retrieve ever seeing thing similar that.’”
“Uh-huh,” I said. “I cognize this joke. You told me.”
“And the feline from Mississippi—a large fabric state, besides known for its affluent delta soil, elevations anyplace from oversea level to astir 295 feet—says, ‘I privation that was Brigitte Bardot.’ He said, ‘This Texas spot is exciting! I privation we had this wherever I’m from.’”
I said, “You told maine this before. Guy from Tennessee says helium wishes it was acheronian outside. So nary 1 could spot him having enactment with a sheep. The end.” I don’t cognize wherefore I thought it indispensable to adhd on, “Guy from Tennessee astir apt had a grade successful geography.”
Pinson unopen the doorway successful my face. I stood determination for a while, reasoning he’d reopen and laugh. He didn’t. I heard his woman outcry out, “I got your favourite pudding spoon.”
*
An hr later, aft I’d tried to lavation the odor retired of my nostrils from visiting Pinson Plemmons, I recovered Edmund Conyers connected the internet, live successful a fancy assisted surviving spot downtown, 1 of those situations wherever 1 moves from duplex to flat to infirmary ward to grave. I don’t cognize what it outgo to unrecorded astatine Cannonburg Sunset, but they offered an Olympic-sized swimming excavation and pickleball courts. Conyers appeared to beryllium successful the flat stage, truthful I couldn’t fig retired what helium wanted with the washer/ dryer combo. And surely helium wasn’t allowed to thrust anymore, truthful what was with the tires?
I went to the main entrance, introduced myself to a receptionist, and she sent maine to a pistillate named “Ms. Rebecca.” Later connected I would Google up Ms. Rebecca Bishop, due to the fact that she seemed similar the benignant of pistillate who’d cherish a invited mat, and I had a mates near implicit successful the trunk of my Buick. Plus, she might’ve been the astir physically charismatic pistillate I’d ever seen, extracurricular of a artifact of wives I came crossed successful the municipality of Landrum, backmost successful my door-todoor days, each horse-riding women. Anyway, I introduced myself to Ms. Rebecca, who seemed similar the benignant of pistillate who, increasing up, led nutrient and covering drives for the mediocre each winter. She might’ve been thirty-five, she might’ve been fifty. She wore a bully concern suit, with a cloisonné pin connected that work we care! She benignant of looked similar immoderate fig of Red Cross posters from the World War II era, her reddish hairsbreadth up successful a bun. I said, “Hi. I’m present contiguous due to the fact that I’m disquieted astir 1 of your residents,” and tried not to amusement my spatially scary teeth.
She said, “Are you a relative?”
I shook my head. I said, “I’m conscionable acrophobic that 1 time I’ll beryllium getting a weapon successful the mail,” which wasn’t true. I hadn’t adjacent thought of that.
She said, “Oh, my,” successful a mode that reminded maine of that histrion successful Bull Durham—another movie my ex-wife didn’t like. Who doesn’t similar Bull Durham?
Eventually, aft I’d asked Ms. Rebecca if she’d ever taken immoderate benignant of metallic arts classes and made that we care! pin each by herself, she took maine outside, and we strode to Building C successful bid to visit, oregon confront, Edmund Conyers. He answered the doorway successful his boxer shorts but with a bully Oxford formal garment and tie. I don’t cognize however oregon why, but helium excessively watched The Price Is Right. Maybe it showed up On Demand from the cablegram company, oregon possibly helium knew much astir exertion than I did and had it connected DVD.
After he’d opened the doorway and said, “Hello,” his woman yelled retired from determination successful back, “Someone’s astatine the door.”
Ms. Rebecca said, “Hello, Mr. Conyers. This present is Ebert Rawlings. He lives successful the location you built galore years ago.” She spoke slowly, arsenic if to a stray dog. And loud.
He said, and I quote, “I ain’t liable for immoderate problems. I hired retired a feline to bash the wiring, and different to bash the septic…”
I yelled out, “Hey, Mr. Conyers. Do you retrieve Pinson Plemmons? He was your aged neighbor. He told maine wherever you present live,” which, of course, wasn’t true, but I thought it mightiness instrumentality his representation backmost to the existent location helium erstwhile built, the country wherever helium and his woman lived 30 oregon forty years earlier.
In the back, Mrs. Conyers called out, “Handbags outgo a batch much than they look like,” I conjecture responding to The Price Is Right.
“Pinson Plemmons lives disconnected his daddy’s fame. You cognize what his daddy invented? I’ll archer you. The incineration toilet. Ha! I knew that man, too, Percival Plemmons. Couldn’t support a occupation anywhere. His woman lit a occurrence nether his ass, and the adjacent happening you know, he’s invented the incineration toilet. Ha!” Spittle came out, past stuck to his chin. I could ne'er enactment astatine the authorities just guessing ages, but Mr. Conyers had to beryllium nearing a hundred. His gnarled hands looked arsenic though they inactive gripped a bully framing hammer.
Ms. Rebecca said, “Have you been ordering things online, Mr. Conyers? Mr. Rawlings present keeps getting things delivered to your aged house, addressed to you, and helium wants to marque definite you get them back. He’s being a bully national and doing the close thing.”
The backmost of her cervix looked similar a agelong creamy waterslide. I wasn’t doing the close thing. Her cervix looked similar a Creamsicle, and I forced myself to clasp back.
Edmund Conyers said, “Well?”
I said, retired of nowhere, “If you want, I tin rent a U-Haul and bring everything implicit here.” I listed disconnected each that present took up abstraction successful my den and garage.
Ms. Rebecca said, “You cognize we person our retention units available, if you wish.”
Edmund Conyers shook his caput nary vigorously. His woman yelled out, “She deed a dollar connected the wheel!” To me, Conyers said, “I cognize this trick! We’re not acceptable for the infirmary yet,” and slammed the door.
*
Ms. Rebecca sighed. She said, “Let maine get your telephone number, Mr. Ebert. I mightiness effort to way down Edmund’s recognition paper institution and spot if I tin get these charges dismissed, oregon something. Let maine spot what I tin do.”
I said, “If you want, you tin travel implicit to my location and look astatine each these things,” being sly, you know. I thought, if she sees immoderate of the nicer things I own, she mightiness beryllium consenting to spell retired connected a date, oregon something. She mightiness similar my garden, wherever I turn capable tomatoes, peppers, and okra to instrumentality down to the farmers’ marketplace connected Saturdays. Or the barn that could easy beryllium converted into an creation workplace should she privation to marque much cloisonné pins connected her own. Maybe she’d amusement up erstwhile the upwind blew distant from each those port-o-potties. I said, “And delight don’t telephone maine ‘Mr. Ebert.’ That sounds weird. Does everyone astir present spell by Mr. oregon Ms., and past their archetypal name?”
We walked backmost toward her office. She said, “It is benignant of kindergarten-y, isn’t it? I don’t cognize wherefore radical bash that astir here.” She said, “Ebert. Okay.”
I said my telephone fig retired loud, and she enactment it successful her compartment telephone contacts.
I thought, It pays to beryllium bully and bash the close thing.
She went inside, and I walked backmost to my car. Then, I don’t cognize why, alternatively of heading to the exit, I drove halfway astir Cannonburg Sunset and parked close determination successful beforehand of Edmund Conyers’s apartment. I looked astatine my watch. The Price Is Right should’ve conscionable ended, if they started astatine the apical of the hour.
This clip Edmund Conyers answered the doorway wearing a brace of Ban-Lon slacks, a wife-beater T-shirt, nary garment oregon tie. He said, “Come connected in, man,” and walked backward. He said, “They’re some dripping. In the kitchen, successful the bathroom. I enactment successful caller washers, but it’s thing other with those spigots.”
He didn’t admit maine from 15 minutes earlier, obviously, and thought I worked arsenic the status home’s on-call plumber. I walked in, what the hell. Mrs. Conyers sat successful beforehand of the TV, watching the Weather Channel. She said to some of us, I guess, “They’re calling for a thunderstorm aboriginal this afternoon.”
On the walls I saw 2 shadiness boxes. One appeared to beryllium filled with commas, the different empty. I pointed astatine them. Edmund Conyers said, “That archetypal one’s mine. Those are the fangs from copperheads and rattlesnakes I’ve killed each my life.” He said, “Where are your tools?”
I wondered if immoderate of those snakes erstwhile lived connected my property. I said, “What’s the bare 1 each about?”
Edmund Conyers said, “That one’s for each the pearls my woman present has collected from oysters. Zero. She’s allergic to shellfish.”
I couldn’t support up the ruse of being a plumber, truthful I explained however I’d conscionable been determination with Rebecca, and truthful on. I said, “I can’t support each these things you’ve bought.”
He sat down connected the couch. I could archer his caput worked similar a Rolodex, trying to retrieve our erstwhile conversation. He said, “It’s been immoderate years. You can’t effort to writer maine for those unfastened graves successful the backyard. We had a batch of dogs and cats. There’s thing worse than having a canine die, past having to excavation done that hard clay with your dormant favored waiting for burial, close adjacent to you, wrapped successful a sheet.”
Ms. Conyers blurted out, “It’s flooding successful Kentucky! I told you, Edmund. You beryllium maine a dollar.”
I said, “No, I didn’t autumn into a hole. Listen. You’ve ordered a clump of things, and they’ve ended up astatine my house. I conscionable privation you to person what you merit to own.” I looked implicit astatine their room counter. “You request a toaster, right?” “Damn right,” Edmund said.
He got up from the sofa successful astir 3 heaves and looked arsenic if helium mightiness locomotion implicit and punch maine successful the nose. He said, “Oh! It’s each coming backmost to maine now. You were conscionable here, talking astir my aged neighbour Plemmons, right?”
I cannot explicate however relieved I felt. I said, “Yes! Yes, yes, yes.”
He said, “Plemmons with his port-o-johns retired back.”
I said, “Well.” I didn’t privation to swerve him disconnected taxable astir however I called them thing else.
To his woman helium said, “You retrieve Pinson, right, Drema? I’m talking Percival Plemmons’s boy.”
She held up her hand, either to amusement that she remembered oregon she wanted her hubby to unopen up. Me, I got each obsessed with her sanction being Drema. I’d ne'er heard that sanction before.
Edmund Conyers said, “Hey, I heard this 1 the different nighttime astatine bingo. This grasshopper walks into a barroom and the bartender says…”
I’d heard it before. But I didn’t accidental anything. I smiled and nodded. I wanted those tires retired of my den.
Edmund Conyers said, “Wait. I hide what the bartender says.”
The gag goes, The bartender says, “We named a portion aft you,” and the grasshopper says, “Okay. I’ll effort it. Give maine an Andy,” oregon thing similar that.
Edmund Conyers said, “Goddamn it. It was a bully joke. I hide however it goes.”
He looked sad. There, successful his wife-beater shirt, nary longer looking arsenic if helium wanted to punch me, I could spot successful his eyes that helium understood however helium and Drema would beryllium moving to the adjacent signifier of the status location soon. There they’d be, broadside by broadside connected azygous beds successful the infirmary helping of Cannonburg Sunset, staring astatine a wall-mounted tv set. On bully days 1 of them mightiness commencement singing a Frank Sinatra song, oregon a campfire song, and the different would articulation in.
I don’t privation to get maudlin, but I wondered if—should things spell the mode I wished—Rebecca mightiness travel beryllium connected my backmost deck, assistance maine portion martinis, and we, too, mightiness bask singing together, oregon astatine slightest swapping jokes neither of america had heard.
I thought astir telling Edmund Conyers that helium should bid a tiller, seeing arsenic I could usage a caller one. I could’ve utilized a riding tract mower, too, and a amended model portion aerial conditioner. Instead, I gave him my past concern card, reasoning helium mightiness bargain a mates invited mats, which would travel consecutive backmost to me. I hoped he’d bid the 1 that work you are here, oregon spell away—this isn’t your house, oregon my woman left, and truthful should you. Then I got to reasoning of each those jokes astir radical with nary arms and nary legs—on the beach, retired successful the ocean, splayed retired successful beforehand of a door, nailed to the wall, successful a frying pan, successful the dishwasher, successful the mediate of a poker table.
__________________________________
From Wounded Boarders by George Singleton. Used with support of the publisher, DZANC Books. Copyright © 2026 by George Singleton.
English (US) ·